Written 5/23/2003
I woke this morning, sad. My thoughts, tuned into the realization, that I will never be able to possess your touch. The parts of you, that satisfy my being, are not mine to hold. The daydreams, the wants, this insatiable desire to have you near, are nothing more than pacifiers that get me through the day.
There is so much you have done for me, transforming my life, validating my heart. You have given me reason, time after time, to smile, to laugh, to feel a spark of life that resides within. You’ve given me the ability to see a future, a life beyond tears. A world void of the anguish that has devoured me.
Yet, I want more, now that I know what is possible, now that I can sense, what can be felt between two hearts. I suppose the ‘more’ that I want, is to live and breathe you, out in the open. To have this love flow from me freely and to hope that is what would happen with you.
Originally, I thought what you offered would be enough; that a little is better than nothing at all…
This shadow, that we conceal ourselves in, it engulfs me. Yet, I do not want to return from where you found me. I do not want to be consumed again, in sadness, in tears. I want my heart to shine. I want to emit the light you have instilled in my soul.
But this, I can not have. I cannot share my joy in you. I can not show how I feel for you, that I’ve touched you, that I know you, in that way. I dare not let on, that you are closer to me than any before, how you’ve entered my heart, how you live in my soul. This, the bond of silence, weighs so heavy; as chains on my heart.
Still, not a word can I speak, for fear of the rush that would follow. I can not share with the world what you have done for me, the place you have taken me. It was from the dark depths of my own bondage, that you found me. It was with the caress of your hand, the light in your eyes, you released me. You freed me.
I should be happy.
Grateful.
I am indebted to you.
You rescued me. Showing up just in time to touch me. Saving me from the destruction of my own psyche, guiding me out of my own darkness. And in return I will give you my silence. The price to have you, the toll, the fee. This is the basis for which we build on, as you witness my soul, validate my heart. We are bonded in a solitude for two.
5/24/03
