Solitude for Two

Written 5/23/2003

I woke this morning, sad. My thoughts, tuned into the realization, that I will never be able to possess your touch. The parts of you, that satisfy my being, are not mine to hold. The daydreams, the wants, this insatiable desire to have you near, are nothing more than pacifiers that get me through the day.

There is so much you have done for me, transforming my life, validating my heart.  You have given me reason, time after time, to smile, to laugh, to feel a spark of life that resides within.  You’ve given me the ability to see a future, a life beyond tears. A world void of the anguish that has devoured me.

Yet, I want more, now that I know what is possible, now that I can sense, what can be felt between two hearts. I suppose the ‘more’ that I want, is to live and breathe you, out in the open. To have this love flow from me freely and to hope that is what would happen with you.

Originally, I thought what you offered would be enough; that a little is better than nothing at all…

This shadow, that we conceal ourselves in, it engulfs me. Yet, I do not want to return from where you found me. I do not want to be consumed again, in sadness, in tears. I want my heart to shine. I want to emit the light you have instilled in my soul.

But this, I can not have. I cannot share my joy in you. I can not show how I feel for you, that I’ve touched you, that I know you, in that way. I dare not let on, that you are closer to me than any before, how you’ve entered my heart, how you live in my soul. This, the bond of silence, weighs so heavy; as chains on my heart.

Still, not a word can I speak, for fear of the rush that would follow. I can not share with the world what you have done for me, the place you have taken me. It was from the dark depths of my own bondage, that you found me. It was with the caress of your hand, the light in your eyes, you released me. You freed me.

I should be happy.

Grateful.

I am indebted to you.

You rescued me. Showing up just in time to touch me. Saving me from the destruction of my own psyche, guiding me out of my own darkness. And in return I will give you my  silence. The price to have you, the toll, the fee. This is the basis for which we build on, as you witness my soul, validate my heart. We are bonded in a solitude for two.

5/24/03

 

What He Is, What We Are…

We have an open-honest relationship

He is emotionally available

We have a lifestyle that allows us freedom of choice

We have an intimate relationship that is not only satisfying, but over the top

We have mutual respect and trust

We challenge each other mentally, physically

He is my best friend

He is tall and strong

He is athletic, capable and comfortable with himself

He is a man’s man, yet can tap into his sensitive side

He is handsome

I am cherished and adored by him, yet respected and allowed my freedom

We are financially and emotionally secure

He is adventurous and ready to try new things

He loves animals

I am secure in his world

He loves deeply

He communicates openly

He knows his heart

He is truthful and honest

He is compassionate

We support each other in our own personal growth

 

Accepting Myself

This weeks run, it was decided, by me, myself and I, that I would cut back on distance.  After last weeks grueling 15 miler, I wanted no part in over extending myself. I had obligations to attend to later in the day that would require some physical stamina, and couldn’t afford to spend everything I had on my Saturday Morning Ultra Team run (SMUT run). My plan was to go no longer than 12, but would be perfectly happy if that was only streached to 10.

As morning started to break on this warmer than cool morning, the pre-run social circle started making its way to the trailhead. There would be a horrific climb, as it seems there always is, to get the morning started. I took my usual place in the rear fairly quickly, wondering why I was even keeping company with this group of  semi-elite long distance athletes. I am far from any of those words describing me, and have become so used to bringing up the rear, that I am considered the rear sweeper…on the short course. Needless to say, it is easy for me to get down on myself and my abilities when running with such an amazing group of people who can get the job done…effortlessly. So, very quickly in to beginning of a long morning, my monkey brain started it’s deragatory chatter. I’ll spare you the specifics.

The 2 plus mile hill was the begining challenge of the day. It really came down to me being left in the dust within the first 1/2 mile to negotiate my own performance. I kept telling myself if I just got to the top of the hill, I could turn around and log a respectable (in the average runners repetoir) 5 mile run and turn around and go home without anyone knowing any better. Every now and then, I’d look up and see a sillouette of the next closest runner against the new morning sky…It didn’t make it easier seeing the growing distance between myself and the back of the pack. My monkey was having a field day!

Arriving at the top, I was rewarded the most spectacular view of the desert valleys that surrounded me. The sun was just cresting, and the day was well on it’s way and gaining momentum. I could see the the rest of my pack a good mile ahead, arms waving as they tried to catch my attention and let me know I wasn’t being left behind completely. I slowely started towards them, thinking i could give my legs a break and negotioate some level trail before turning around and heading back to the car. As I continued on, i picked up the pace, realizing the worst part was over and I was on the best part of the course. Running a ridgeline that eventually dropped down into path that was literally cut out of the side of a mountain. It followed the contours of the mountains body, rolling curves on a single track line, mountain wall on my left side, plummeting cliff on my right. I continued onward and realized I was making good time on the small pack of runners in front of me. At mile 5, I finally caught them.

Reuniting with the short course group was the prize for the day. We continued on to explore a trail that headed us back to the cars. The GPS registered in at 9 miles. Being the first ones back gave us a rare chance to see the top runners arrive. Somehow seeing and hearing their same struggles gave us the right to be apart of this group of athletes. It was what I needed,  next weeks ammo against the monkey.

 

Silly Girl…

I still can’t believe you are really gone. I can’t believe everything I held so close and so dear has dissolved into thin air, as if it were a dream. Everything I counted on, everything I wished for, everything I held as the structure of my world…you were the base that I stood upon, the home that I returned to, you engulfed the whole of my heart…as if I never lived a moment that didn’t include you.

And now, I’m left to wonder, did ‘we’ ever really exist…was this all just a fantasy in my head? How else do I come to terms with these lost dreams and unresolved love?

I had a bad day yesterday…again realizing how this path continues to move farther away from you and everything we were. The emptiness created when you turned from me is immense, there are times when I feel completely hollow inside, as if I could crack through and through. I tell myself, opening my heart to a new world and a new life will bring peace and healing. I tell myself I am loved and important, I am real…in the lives of family and friends. I tell myself to keep breathing, to keep moving, to keep believing that this too shall pass…But all I feel is everywhere you are not, and every day at some point, I have to remind myself that you are gone.

Silly Girl that I am…

 

Pushing Your Limits

I think I am trying to kill myself…I set out yesterday morning with the Ultra club, keep in mind, I am the slowest and least fit of the bunch. They are tolerating me because of my determination, and I always show up. Anyway, I show up thinking I’ll put in the 12 miles this week that I was supposed to put in last week (but only completed 10.5 before almost dying on course). Well, we don’t get 2 miles into the run, when we (two of my very good friends that I run with regularly…even they can leave me in the dust) see another friend that has taken the wrong route…she has taken the LONG route…Well, we know she is not familiar with the trails in this area and decide to follow her in an attempt to catch her…We do this with the full knowledge that the next time we will be in the vicinity of civilization and more importantly, water, is a minimum of 9 miles. We figure the water we are carrying and fuel (food) is enough if we go easy on it, and head in her direction…mountainous, crazy steep hills on a trail that emulates a rollercoaster track.

We start off after our friend as a steady pace…knowing we also have to survive the distance. It gives us a goal to keep moving as we follow the trail over hillsides and mountain tops. One minute we are towering over the desert landscape, and the next we are plunging down to the valley floor only to cross an arroyo that leads us up to the next climb…sure and steady, we make our way, connecting one trail after the other and tipping the scale of no return when we pass the half way mark…to more water…eventually the next water stop grows increasingly closer as we count down the miles.

Fatigue is just starting to settle in as we finally come back in to civilization. We look somewhat ragged, and who would know that the three girls refilling camelbacks have just chased a fourth friend 9 miles through the desert without ever catching sight of her. We leave a message on her phone, telling her our current location and that we have another 6 miles to finish before we will be back at the cars. It is a little diconcerning that she doesn’t answer, but there is little any of us can do before we get ourselves back to the starting point. We start off slow, knowing now that the goal is to just get back to the cars…as we continue on the up and down terrain the sun starts taking it’s toll on us…we welcome a cool breeze and continue the steady climb this side of the course offers. By the time we get to the top, we have gone beyond the initial goal of 12 miles. We are grateful that there is nothing but down hill infront of us, and each take on our own pace as we finish up the most grueling part of…just getting home. In the end, we did a total of 15 miles…and a welcomed return call from the girl we had been following…she was safe and sound heading home, having taken a slightly shorter route in the end.

 

The Last Love Letter

Dear Sweet Baby,

I am writing this as either the last love letter, or the first. I feel as though I need to put my heart on the line, so you can see where I’m standing. My hope is that you will walk towards me. My hope is that this will be the first of many love letters to come, the  beginning of sweet words and playful love, the beginning of something new, something better than we’ve had in the past, something both of us have dreamed of. A life filled with love and tenderness. A partnership that is open and honest…both your dreams, and my dreams, fulfilled.

I want you to know that you are the man I love…I have loved you from the day we looked in each other’s eyes so many years ago. Meeting you, I was filled with love and passion for the first time in my life…it was more than wanting you, I needed you. I needed you with every breath that I took, my mind crazy with thoughts of you from the start…I lost all control of my heart. I loved you then, just as I love you now. I remember someone asking me how could I stay, waiting as long as I did, and I answered that I had no choice…my heart would be lost without you.

When you touch me now, it is no different than when you touched me then…I feel at home. I feel as if I am complete. I am suddenly whole. I believe with all of my heart that we are soul mates, I believe that our understanding of each other comes from a deeper connection than that of physical love…I feel as though we’ve grown old together in the past, as though we’ve somehow done this before, in another life…connected through time. I feel we are here to help each other, we are each other’s strength. It is you that gives me life and hope, it is you that fills me with joy, it is you that gives me the want to move forward, to be who I am. You do this for me…you are my strength, you are my love, you are my power, you are my smile and my tears, you are my everything, you are inside me and all around me. You are where I want to be.

Again, I am writing this so you know where I stand, so you know how deep my love for you goes. I never wanted us to fall so completely apart, I only wanted us…to want more for us. I did not hope for less of your love, I desired more of it…I wanted a life together. I wanted you, to want a life with me. There is so much to be lost in the direction we are going, and so much to be gained if we turn back around, and face each other.

So, Here I am. Standing to face you, I am asking you to be present with your heart and feel what we could have. Feel what is possible if we move in a single direction, together. Let’s give up the fight, give up the struggle. Look in your heart…Do you feel like I do? Can we turn this around? Can we work together to make a life that’s sweet and real, a life that we can share? It’s between you and I…two hearts, two lives. It comes down to what you choose and what I choose. Your choice and mine…

I am here, hoping and waiting for you to turn towards me…and say you want this too.

 

Safety Net

When you are here

I get wrapped in your beautiful net of love

 

Holding me safe and secure

Warm and tender

 

Then you leave

Taking the net as you go

 

It doesn’t take long to lose my balance

Free falling into a cold dark abyss

 

I grasp for something to hold on to

Anticipating the long hard climb back to firm ground

 

All the while wishing you had offered your heart

Allowing me to fly

 

Ready to Love

I hate that you put me on a shelf for 7 years…expecting me to wait around forever. treating me like a dog you could put outside whenever you wanted, turning your heart and affections on and off whenever it fit into your life.

I hate that the only time you took action is when I said “I’m done”…then, you changed your life around? You couldn’t have done that when we were happy? When I still believed you loved me? When there was a still a future ahead of us? 

You had to wait, until I walked away, to want a life with me? I hate that you did that…I hate that you chained yourself to me as I asked for my freedom…

I hate that I allowed you back in, only to put me on that shelf again. I hate that I believed your promises when you said we would have a life together. And then, what I hate the most…when I stuck around, as you went right back to your old ways, and threw us away again.

You are good with sweet words and promises…you are good to offer up a life that you are in no hurry to have. Isn’t that what you’ve done now? Waited for me to be DONE to offer everything we should have had years ago…in the hopes of me coming back and taking my place on your shelf, again?

I hate that my heart is broken, even after all this…

I hate, that I don’t hate you…I hate that I am sad to have lost you, or that I never really had you…I hate what I’m going through right now…I hate needing to be strong to stand up against you…I hate that I need to defend my heart against you. I hate that everything I waited for is gone. I hate that someone else will get all of you, because you now know, that is the only way to have all of her. I hate that I have lost my friend, I hate that I have lost my dreams, I hate that I have lost myself…

I am so tired of hating

I am so ready to love

 

Germinate

Sitting in my house, the phone is ringing. I go to the front door to connect with the outside world. As the door opens, the outside world closes up, as if it is one of those beautiful sea anemones that retract with the slightest of movement…it will not allow me in. I go back into the house, feeling frustrated, closed in, bound by the four walls of my house. I am in my ‘sick’ pajamas and keep asking how to heal my heart. Each time I ask, I am given an answer…Love. Love. Love.

I try again to go outside. Once again, the world sucks in, I see only a flash of color before it engulfs itself. I go back inside feeling sad and helpless until I notice that I am growing. I grow upwards. I hit the ceiling, and the roof falls away. I continue to grow until I am a thousand feet tall. the world has opened up to me, I can see across the whole of the city, my feet still planted in the base of my house. I look across town, and I see my mother popping up, growing out of the top of her house…then on the other side of town, my sister-in-law is sprouting. I wonder where my dad and brother are…then my Nephew comes into view, followed by another nephew who is shooting up. I finally see my dad…growing slower than the others, but he is coming. I urge my brother to follow…I sprinkle seeds to help him germinate, I coax him. Then, I finally get the message, of why I’ve been stuck in the house. I’ve been germinating, I’ve been doing inner work.

Zoooom…I am in front of my lover. I am distraught and want my heart back. I stick my hand into the center of his chest and retrieve it. It comes with a vision of him and another woman who has always sparked my jealousy, it is suddenly clear they are not together. I stare at his chest where his heart should be, there is only blackness. I wonder if I did that to him, I place my hand over his chest to try to heal it…All I can think, is how black it is. I begin to wonder if it is a hole, or if he is just so tarnished there is no more ability to feel. I put my hands on it, emotionally distraught, I keep asking how to heal his heart. Each time I ask, I am given an answer…Love. Love. Love.

I’m told I have to go, so I turn and leave him.

9/2/08

 

Running in Circles

Running through the jungle – monkey chatter overhead, vines, trees…ominus activity towering all around. I come upon a treehouse and climb to the top, I feel the essence of Grandmother Midwife permeating the space. I take a seat to wait, not knowing what to do, I begin to pace…unsure of  where to go.  I become frantic and unsettled, I am at a loss, running in circles without direction.

Zoooom…I am in front of a cave, I timidly enter. I am urged, internally, to go deeper, yet sense a growing reluctance. A battle begins as I struggle against my own knowing to move forward, I am arguing with my own direction. My fear grows and overides all instinctual urgings. I stand frozen in place, wishing for the treehouse.

Zoooom…I am now up to my neck in quicksand, I am drowning. I cling to a vine, grasping to stay on top. An inner voice keeps urging me to let go, to release. I hear the words, yet I grasp even harder. I cannot bring myself to give way, to relinquish control, and although I am failing, I hold on tighter, wishing and praying to be back in the treehouse…And, with that thought…I am instantly sucked under.

I am free falling through a long dark tube, tumbling and twisting, gaining speed through the darkness.

I am literaly spit out, into the depths of a grand ocean. I begin to instinctivly swim, propelled through the water with the ease of  my thoughts. There is no more grasping, there is no more struggle, the darkness is light as I breath effortlessly, in aw, awakend to this new wonder. As I surface to break out of  this watery heaven, I am all at once transformed, I am a bird taking flight. I feel free. I am liberated. I rise higher and higher with the beat of my wings, soaring high above the water, gliding through canyons. Dipping and diving, I am high in the sky, over cliffs, over mountains.

I come to rest, and land on a branch. I have settled in a dense forest. I am surprised to observe that I am perched above the treehouse. I see myself below, inside. I watch from above as I stand there unsure, unsettled, engulfed in chaos and confusion of fear…it is heartbreaking to see myself  lost and running in circles…

Lesson; Take the stance of the bird…observe from above. Release yourself from the fears of the unknown. Listen, to your heart; Trust, your wisdom. Experience all that stands before of you…It is the path that brings you liberation, a coming home. 

4/26/08